ANYONE GOTTA TOWEL?

I know I have said it before, and I have an obsession, but Jessica Biel is my reason for believing in God. I mean, just look at her; it's a crying shame I do not have a snow ball's chance in hell with her, but I am about this close to shooting a politician to get her attention.

I make a lot of crude remarks on the expense of some really whorish, nasty and fat celebrities, however I have nothing but great things to think and say about Jessica. She's got it all!

Anyways, to my point: I am sure some of you have heard about my future wife dating Yankees's star Derek Jeter, but recently Jess has been seen with Justin Timberlake. I figure that if she's gonna be with either of them then pick Justin. I hate the fuckin Yankees and Jeter. But there's gonna come a time when I slip a ring on her finger.

IT'S NOT A MASK, IT'S BRANDY

You remember Brandy, right? Well, now the 28 year old former Moesha star might be lookin at some time spent behind bars. This mold of horseshit with teeth you see to your left slammed into slowing traffic and caused the car she hit to hit another in front of it which wound up killing a woman. If convicted, Brandy could serve up to a year in prison, and/or $1000 fine.

Holy shit, not one whole year for murder! Are you serious!? This miserable exscuse for a celebrity is facing only one year of time for murder. I have nothing else to say, I gotta stop thinking about this or my ears will start to bleed.

YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY HOLY SHIT KILL IT!

I was just browsing the People Magazine's website when I came across this picture of Bob Saggett and two shrews with looks that could frighten a full grown man into a fetal position. Can anyone not stare into their eyes without hearing the sounds of chains, whips lashing and the cries of unfortunate prisoners?

I remember a day when I was watching Full House thinking 'wow those girls are gonna be hot one day', but that day is certainly not this day. I don't know if it's the lighting that makes the Olsen twins look like Night Walkers, or they are just that fucking scary lookin.

YES, SHE DID IT AGAIN

Britney Spears (left) is pregnant again. News like that is equivalent to saying, "Hey I just farted". It's not much, but people gotta deal with it. Is it me, or did she just let herself go to complete shit. This girl used to be some of the hottest piece of ass I've ever seen, and now she's that washed up whore that sits at the end of the bar waiting for the dude that's been bet by his drunk buddies to "walk out with the fat chick".

Her recent interviews and actions caught on tape could be Springer material. It's just a crying shame that one of the most successful young American pop singer's life has crumbled, and what's left standing is a big ol' sack of hollowed crap. K-Fed and her split, but that's only because the two of them together was like watching an ex pornstar hump a retarded paraplegic midget...horrifying but you just can't look away!

KIRSTEN DUNST IS BREATH TAKING

Everyone please take a look at this wicked ghoul. This is Kirsten Dunst...the same girl from Spiderman. Now I understand everyone has their bad days and moments, but what I see in this picture is a window to hell.

NO ONE should think this girl is goodlooking. Check out those two tusks growing in place of her canines. She's a bad actress, but she still gets called back for parts. When I watch her in movies my penis runs and hides. Just the sight of her makes me angry because I can pick out 20 different ugly actresses that I can tolerate over this vampress; and one of em is Mo'nique.

THERE...

...this site has officially become porno graphic.

YOU'RE A TOOL IF... - CHAPTER 9

You're a Goddamn tool if you yell out "BALLIN'!" at a party....you know what I'm talking about. That new rap song that's got BALLIN'! screamed every fucking second while a bunch of turd-burglers rap about doin bitches, or shootin some "otha nigga" in the back, or whatever these idiots rap about. Country music is where it's at, amen.

SCIENTOLOGY AND ITS MESSIAH, TOM CRUISE

Wow, I only bring this up because I was online the other day and checked out a list of celebrities that were devoted Scientologists; there were 50-something of em! It's a damn shame my words cannot be heard throughout these Hollywood crazed idiots, because I wanna let all those looney tune fuck heads know how dumb they are.

Don't even get me started on Tom Cruise. That stupid ass is seriously being considered the "Jesus" of his religion! I'm not fucking around...some leader of Scientology has recommended that Tom be elected messiah of Scientology. Now, I'm no Priest but I'm pretty sure that God is gonna burn these fuckers in hell.

Beneath is a list of those fellow morons that will have a grand time in hell...enjoy.

Celebrities

Kirstie Alley [5][6], actress
Anne Archer [5], actress (her son, Tom Davis, runs the Los Angeles "Celebrity Centre")
Carl Anderson [7], singer
Jennifer Aspen [2], actress
James Stacy Barbour [8], Broadway actor
Lynsey Bartilson [9], actress
Beck [5][10], musician, raised Scientologist
Catherine Bell [11], actress
Karen Black, actress [12]
Sonny Bono (deceased 1998) [13], musician and member of U.S. House from California (claimed Catholicism on campaign biographies)
David Campbell [14], musician, composer, arranger
Nancy Cartwright [13][10], voice over artist, most famous as the voice of Bart Simpson
Kate Ceberano [15], actress and musician
Erika Christensen [5], actress
Chick Corea [5], musician
Tom Cruise [5], actor (raised Catholic, according to Parade; attended a Franciscan seminary in Cincinnati and aspired to become a Catholic priest)
Sky Dayton [16], founder and Chairman of the Board of EarthLink
Eddie Deezen [3], actor
Doug Dohring [17], ex-owner of Neopets
Jason Dohring [18], actor
Plácido Domingo Jr. [4], opera singer
Bodhi Elfman [5], actor
Jenna Elfman [5], actress (Dharma and Greg), raised Catholic
Doug E. Fresh [10], hip-hop musician
Kenton Gray [6], car and motorcycle race driver
Paul Haggis [19], director
Isaac Hayes [5], musician, actor, and formerly voiceover artist ("Chef" from "South Park")
Katie Holmes [20], actress (born and raised Catholic), introduced to Scientology by Tom Cruise, whom she later married.
Nicky Hopkins [21], musician (deceased 1994)
Tyler Hynes [7], actor
Mark Isham [22], musician
Milton Katselas [5], acting teacher
Chaka Khan [10], singer
Jason Lee [1], actor ("My Name Is Earl", "Mallrats") and professional skateboarder
Geoffrey Lewis [1], actor
Johnny Lewis,[1] actor
Juliette Lewis [5], actress
Christopher Masterson [1], actor
Danny Masterson [1], actor
Lisa McPherson (deceased 1995), died at Fort Harrison Hotel[23]
Peter Medak [24], director
Jim Meskimen [25], actor and improviser
Sofia Milos[26][27], actress (CSI: Miami)
Floyd Mutrux [28], writer, director and producer
Haywood Nelson [29], actor
Corin Nemec [30], actor
Marisol Nichols [31], actress
Judy Norton [32], actress and musician
James Packer [33], Australian businessman
Eduardo Palomo (deceased 2003)[34], actor, and his wife Carina Ricco[35], actress and musician
Don Pearson [36], 'Management by Statistics' consultant
Michael Peña [37], actor
David Pomeranz [38], singer/songwriter
Laura Prepon [39][40], actress
Lisa Marie Presley [1], singer, Michael Jackson's ex-wife, and daughter of Elvis
Priscilla Presley [1], actress and ex-wife of Elvis
Kelly Preston [41], actress and John Travolta's wife, raised Catholic.
Leah Remini [1], actress
Patrick Renna[42], actor
Ernie Reyes, Jr. [38], actor [8]
Giovanni Ribisi [1], actor, raised Scientologist.
Marissa Ribisi [43] , actress, wife of Beck Hansen, sister of Giovanni Ribisi, raised Scientologist.
Ruddy Rodriguez, actress [9]
Elena Rogero [7], singer
Mimi Rogers [5], actress (no longer believed to be active in the church, but still holds the beliefs[citation needed])
Pablo Santos, actor [10] (deceased 2006)
Jeffrey Scott, screenwriter [11]
Billy Sheehan [44], rock bassist
Eric Sherman, film consultant [12]
David Singer [45], chiropractor, 'Management by Statistics' consultant
Reed Slatkin [46], criminal ponzi scheme perpetrator
Michelle Stafford [47], actress
Ethan Suplee [48], actor
John Travolta [5], actor, raised Catholic.
Greta Van Susteren [11], host of On the Record with Greta Van Susteren on Fox News Channel
Persia White [49], actress
Edgar Winter [50], musician
Bryan Zwan [51], founder and CEO of Digital Lightwave

PARIS HILTON SHOULD BITE A BULLET

Goddamn it, I hate this bitch. Just this week Paris got into trouble....again. A very new website (www.parisexposed.com) put up pictures and video of Paris smoking weed. Since this action, Paris has filed to sue the makers and/or producers of this website.

I swear if I were the judge I'd throw out the case and smack her across her mouth with a field hockey stick. This human-cum catcher gets more publicity than I have ever seen. I'd shove her toy dog up her ass if I didn't know she liked it so much.

Now I know there's thousands of Paris fans out there, and I got a few things to say to you...1) Take that "cute" pink blanket that you snuggle up with every night and tie it to a cieling fan, 2) Tie a simple noose (or however you spell it) at the end, 3) Place your dumb head in the noose and kickout the chair beneath you!

Paris needs a reality check...and by reality check I mean a good swift kick to her crotch.

"FUCK DA EAGLES" GIRL IS IN MAXIM SPREAD

Someone please thank the son-of-a-bitch that found this girl. I can look passed that she had a shirt on that shat all over my beloved Eagles, but that's in the passed. Next mission: give her children.

I know, ladies. You want me too. Relax, you'll all get a chance.

NFL Playoffs, or Pee Wee Football?

Is it me, or is this year's playoffs the most boring playoff games I have ever seen? Everyone is dropping passes, fumbling runs, missing interceptions, quarterbacks overthrowing recievers, and teams not getting into the endzone. I'd say that it was all about the defense thats been winning the games, but I'd be blowing smoke up your ass! It's just been shitty football! Don't get me started on the Colts - Ravens outcome...if I told you that the Philadelphia Eagles would be the first team to score a touchdown on Saturday (knowing that Peyton Manning and his Colts were playing the first game) would you believe me??? Of course you wouldn't.

Anyways, I am rambling. This isn't the best writing I've posted, but I just wanna know if anyone else is watching these playoff games and thinking about burning themselves cause they are so fuckin bored!?!?

Now, I also heard that the NFL has changed their ball this season, which is the same problem the NBA is having.....regardless, these are professionals and they shouldn't be fuckin up as much. So far this post season is a battle between the opposing kickers! That's not what NFL viewers wanna see. They wanna see quarterbacks rifling 20 yard touchdown passes as the reciever catches the ball and gets spun into flips and landing in the endzone! I almost feel like I am watching soccer!

I swear, if the Pats wind up goin to the superbowl again I may just poison myself. Is anyone else sick and tired of hearing about pretty-boy-Brady and his rediculous post season record?

I'll say this...I am actually happy that the Bears are goin on because I have been picking them to be NFC Champs for about 3 years. As of this point, I am rootin for daaaaaaaaa' Bears!

But again.....Eagles are gonna be the 2007 - 08 NFL Champions.

Got Some Ink Done

Scott Severino got his first tatoo and it wasn't of anything lettin people know his balls are property of his girlfriend, Tiffany Lisa. If you cannot tell, it's a cowboy hat w/ the American flag colors in it. I think it looks pretty good.

You're A Tool If... - Chapter 8

If you're a girl with a Facebook account, and your relationship status reads that you're married to another girl cause you two think that it's cute and funny......you're terribly wrong. If guys do that then we're gay as hell, but when girls do it then it's funny? I never got that memo. So, you're a tool if you are a girl with facebook and your relationship status says your married to another girl / best friend. Get a clue, you fuckin tools!

WWF...NFL...What's the difference?

Ok, so the New Orlean Saints beat the Eagles today by another 3 points. Im the last Eagles fan on earth to make excuses...but this is rediculous. Hurricane Kutrina (or however you spell it) left the city in ruins and NOW the Saints just up and go to the NFC Championship game??? I have (as a hardcore football fan) lost almost all respect for the NFL. A team that has won only ONE post season game in its 40 year franchise existence is gonna pave its road to the superbowl on one big fucking coincidence??? PLEEEEEEEEASE!

Those homeless bastards got a $5,000 credit each and the majority bought shoes, tv's, dvd's, and other entertainment / consumer bullshit items, and now the US is gonna hand them an NFC championship.................I have nothing else to say except fuck those assholes, I hope the city gets hidden under water and becomes the next Atlantis, and the Seahawks or Bears burry this fuckin country's poor attempt to an underdog of a team. Fuck this team and the NFL.....however, the Eagles are goin all the way 2007 - 08!

You're A Tool If... - Chapter 7

Okay you fuckin piece of Rain Man's shit...you're a tool if you dress black BUT you're white. SON OF A BITCH, what's wrong with being white??? Besides the fact that colleges are accepting Muhammed or Pedro or Achzan-oo-mustafa before they accept your ass. But deal with it...you're white. Enough of the brims that aren't bent, or the back pocket of jeans that slap the back of your heal cause your pants are low as hell.

I prolly pissed off some of you black, hispanic and muslim bastards....cry me a river. We're all made of the same stuff. We're just a different crayon outta the Crayola box.

You're A Tool If... - Chapter 6

You're a tool if you are a girl and you make kissing faces in every fucking picture that's taken of you. Ladies, you don't look good doing that. Just moon the camara, you'd look a lot better, and it's something every man is willing to look at. You just look stupid with that kissy face.

P.S. - If you are a guy and you make that face..........(A) Turn on wood chipper, (B) Jump in wood chipper.

"FUCK DA EAGLES"?

Did anyone notice that amazingly hot chick in the New Orleans crowd wearing the shirt that blatently read "Fuck Da Eagles"? The FOX network just did a close up to this girl on live television, and it wasn't a simple second glimpse! This bitch was on screen for 5 seconds or so! Anyways, she was hot and I'd rail her on her New Orlean Saints bed cover.

Absolute legitimate reasons to shit your pants and not look like a dick

1. Its a long car ride, you just ate some bad fast food and it went through you like a greased pig, and you can't pull over to shit on the side of the road because you are in bumper to bumper traffic.

2. You just woke up after a night of drinking with a hideous girl/guy next to you in bed and you want them out using whatever means necessary.

3. Ya just can't walk away from Warcraft....yea, I got that from South Park, so what?

4. You're wearing Depends.............for whatever reason, keep it to yourself.

5. Ya thought it was a fart....what the hell, finish what you started.

6. Everyone in the car is pissin you off. Go ahead, Danza....show em who's boss.

7. You're saving seats in a movie theatre; no one's gonna wanna sit NEAR you!

8. If it's gonna get you laid for some strange reason....go Nike, and just do it.

9. You're wearing your older siblings pants and they gotta date tonight!

and...

10. Prove to your parents you arent suited to live on your own...however, watch out they may get you a helmet and a perscription.

The Colts - Ravens playoff game (2007) sucked so much ass

Well, the title says it all...not one fuckin touchdown. Just a bunch of pillow biters kickin field goals. Goddamn it...I picked the Ravens to go to the superbowl. Shows you how much I fuckin know...stay tuned after the Eagles game. I'll let you know what I think about that game.

You're A Tool If... - Chapter 5

You're a tool if you have your own BlogSpot website and you post stupid bullshit that no one with a life would ever have the time to read or give a shit about...

...wait...um

This is why the Philadelphia Eagles rock, and you still can't get laid.

Philadelphia is a football town...no, no shit....it is. Try to name one more city that comes close to the love Philly's got for its Birds. Go ahead, I'll wait...

1...mississippi
2...mississippi
3...mississippi

Time's up, jack off. YA CAN'T! Oh, what? New York?!? The Big Apple has such a stiffy over their damn Yankees they don't notice how much their G-Men suck the metaphorical NFL's ass, and don't give me Atlanta cause that's the gay uncle of the National Football League. I'd give you San Fran or Oakland, and possibly Green Bay but fuck the Packers and cheese. No one in Florida notices cause they are either too busy being homos on Miami's strip, or you're so old you were still alive when knights jousted for pussy. Southern Cali and their Chargers are surrounded by beautiful weather, fake tits and helicopters scanning and picking off illigal aliens that the Chargers could all drop what they were doing and start blowin eachother on the field and no one would realize what the shit was happening! You maybe got the Vikings, but up that far north the weather is so fucking cold your nuts froze to your Lazy Boy, so they never made it to the game. "But what about America's team; The Dallas Cowboys!" You fuckin panzies...they were fuckin awesome throughout the 90's, but lately they shit themselves and so do their cowgirl fans...don't give me Dallas...you wanna talk about front runnin fans????

No, baby, not one team is more beloved than the sacred Eagles. Yeah I know we don't have the superbowl rings, but most of you degenerates think thats what its all about.

(By the way, when I say "we" I mean me and the Eagles, cause they're mine and every other Eagles fans' team, and you're Goddamn right we are part of it)

We haven't won one superbowl but we always show up at every game expecting to bring home the gold...our franchise is over 70 years old and won zero (0) superbowls. Would any other fan stick around that long??? Sure the superbowl has only been around for 41 years, and the Eagles have their share of prior championship wins, but we never complain or make excuses. We'll boo the shit out of the one player we love the most but that's tough love...suck it up you panzie. I'll take a season with no wins than ever give up on my Birds and that's exactly how every fan feels.

"But Mike, you asshole. I am a Bears fan, and we are just as crazy and loyal to our cuddly hibernators!" Okay, okay, okay...I got no beef with you! But if you get in my way I'll skin your pandas or whatever they're called because no one in they're right mind fucks with a devoted Eagles fan.

And for those seemingly newer teams in the league (Panthers, Jaguars, Texans, soon to be Las Angleas Whatevers), you have no fuckin history, and your fans like you just cause they're tired of pullin their pudds, and livin with their parents.

P.S. - I do feel bad for those Baltimore Colts fans from back in the day. That owner just up and went...and I am pretty damn sure if Lori did that with my Birds I'd skin his sack and use it as a coin purse.

You're A Tool If... - Chapter 4

You're a tool if you still get your temperature taken anally (did I spell that right? Anally? Analy? Analie? Who gives a shit...no pun intended)

You're A Tool If... - Chapter 3

You're a tool if you can't get a girl off....that's just the way it is. Read a book, watch a Sharon Stone film, ask your mom, SOMETHING!

P.S. - You're a whole different breed of tool if you can't get a guy off...I could find a way to get off without touching myself and getting tortured by dental instruments.

I hate Facebook, but I really don't.......OH, and screw Council Rock.

Okay, I probably couldn't stand about 95% of my highschool, but something within me, like the curse of the werewolf, forces me to want to know what most of them have made of themselves today...so thats why I use Facebook mostly. I hate when schmucks "friend" me, but then again, I get a strange and mean pleasure if I find out they got fat....or dead. I certainly don't use it to stalk 18 year old freshman girls. I do my stalking the old fashion way...hiding in their hamper.

Nothing is better than when you see your ex's from highschool got really gross and fat, or just plain whorish and hollowed out. OOOR!, perhaps you always had a crush on this one girl for all four years of HS, or worse...since you first saw her in 1st grade, and you find out she got lost in the African Congo and got bitten by an unnamed specie of spider and she went blind.

Just so I don't seem like a complete dick, I am not talking about any of the girls I dated my senior year....you know who you are. I did good my senior year, just turns out it was all your loss!

Im gonna end it here with saying Fuck Council Rock and the majority who ever went there. But I'll admit, there was certainly a handfull of you that were pretty kick ass...however, for the rest of you I hope your brains get eaten away by cancer. Have a good one!

You're A Tool If... - Chapter 2

You're a tool if you think porno rots your brain. Listen here, Dr. Phil...grow some sexual urges to touch yourself in a way only you know how to, and stop ruining it for the rest of the world. If anything, porno stimulates your mind which in turn causes brain activity, and that's a good thing. Get a fuckin hint, you sorry tools.

P.S. - repressed sexual urges kill kittens...you don't want that on your conscience.

You're A Tool If... - Chapter 1

You're a tool if you constantly try to "friend" someone on Facebook when they've constantly rejected you. Get a fuckin hint, you sorry tool!

The Perfect Female Body

Lemme guess, you love a woman with a small ass, thin thighs, and no personality whatsoever unless its dirty talk while you pound the shit outta her? Well is you were anything like me then a girl with the body of a 10 year old boy aint shit!

A real woman knows how to eat, shake her huge ass, and can laugh at pretty much anything! I can't stand guys who thinks thick features on a woman is unattractive. It's rediculous that a girl should look famished to feel wanted or sexy. A curvaceous woman is where its at! I'm talkin soccer style-thick thighs, a nice firm big ass, and I guess whatever size breasts....I'm not much of a boob guy; big or small is no biggie.

I sometimes walk into a gym and look at some of the girls killing themselves on a treadmill, when all I feel like doin is walkin up to them and sayin, "Listen up, precious. You don't need to lose a pound!"

As you can see I posted a picture of Jessica Biel...possibly the hottest, sexiest woman in Hollywood or possibly the planet. Check out how her legs go all the way up and make an ass outta themselves!

Anyways, whoever thinks 'Thin Is In' needs a reality check.

The Philadelphia Eagles are going to SuperBowl 41

Yes, they are! The Eagles have a game coming up this weekend against the Saints at New Orleans. The home crowd will be extremely intense and play a huge factor in the Eagle's performance, however, with Jeff Garcia (6 - 1 since his start) keeping up great game playing, and staying away from any plays that make him force the ball anywhere, the Eagles will have a more than better chance picking at the Saints' defense. I haven't even mentioned that Westbrook is coming off of his best post-season game on the ground. The saints are looking at a much better run-stop defense than they did earlier in the season against the Eagles. It sounds corny, but I imagine that every Eagles player feels an entire city behind him giving him the extra boost, heart, and ability to get the job done.
If Horn (Saints #1 Wide Reciever - Not expected to play due to injury) plays, the Eagles will have to shut down pass connection between him and Brees. The Philly defensive line will have to tighten up in the tackles positions to put pressure on Duece McCallister's explosive 1 and 2 hole penetration. Reggie Busch can be stopped, and honestly, I am not too worried about him that much.
People may say, "How do you expect the birds to make it if they hardly beat a horrible Giants team?" The Giants are not a bad team at all. They just had bad chemistry, a lack of coaching, playing on the road, and the inability to shutdown Westbrook. Besides, these two teams played eachother twice during the season, so you would think that each of them had a feel of the other's play tactics. Plexico was the biggest concern, and on Saturday if the Saints don't play Joe Horn then the Eagles's only defensive weakness shown from the Giants game will be expelled.
Main concern: stop the running game. The Saints have an ability to tank down the field using their two headed monster running game. Where Bush is weak, McCallister strengthens, and so on. As long as the Eagles's redzone defense plays like it has the last half of the season, they should limit the Saints to a minimal 3 field goals from inside the 20.

Someone kill these hollywood assholes!

Ok, so this is the latest thing on my mind...I just got done visiting a website called www.wwtdd.com. It's a celebrity gossip website, and one of its articles was about Brooke Burke (who is insanely fuckin hot, btw) just gave birth to her third child, a baby girl. She named the damn thing...get this...Heaven Rain! I'm not makin this shit up! What is it about these hollywood assholes that give their newborns names such as Apple, or Ragne Beau (pronounced rainbow - Ving Rhames's daughter). That dude from the tv show My Name Is Earl named his son Pilot Inspektor...oh yes, I know I spelled it with a K. Can someone please shoot these people? Or atleast just inject them with acid or something? These famous cunt muscles have no grip on reality and deserve to be forced electric shock coursed through their veins until they come to their senses! This is not some fairy tale land where they fuck elves and ride giant iguanas, and give birth to "chosen ones" that will someday slay a mythical half-dragon, half-killer donkey! This is the real world, and these are real children that will have to look people in the eye all their life before uttering their names with a sigh and a hint of shame because their parents are assholes, or insane...maybe both?
I'm going to conclude this posting by saying Actors and Actresses are not real people. They've had so much stary fame shoved up their ass they think they have their own gravitational pull on publicity, and they make the rules...starting with thinking it is okay to name a helpless newborn after their favorite color or fruit, or their favorite smell, porno movie, dishwashing liquid, etc! I only lose more respect for these famous bastards when they announce that they are Scientologists, but don't get me started on that, please!