ANYONE GOTTA TOWEL?

I know I have said it before, and I have an obsession, but Jessica Biel is my reason for believing in God. I mean, just look at her; it's a crying shame I do not have a snow ball's chance in hell with her, but I am about this close to shooting a politician to get her attention.

I make a lot of crude remarks on the expense of some really whorish, nasty and fat celebrities, however I have nothing but great things to think and say about Jessica. She's got it all!

Anyways, to my point: I am sure some of you have heard about my future wife dating Yankees's star Derek Jeter, but recently Jess has been seen with Justin Timberlake. I figure that if she's gonna be with either of them then pick Justin. I hate the fuckin Yankees and Jeter. But there's gonna come a time when I slip a ring on her finger.

IT'S NOT A MASK, IT'S BRANDY

You remember Brandy, right? Well, now the 28 year old former Moesha star might be lookin at some time spent behind bars. This mold of horseshit with teeth you see to your left slammed into slowing traffic and caused the car she hit to hit another in front of it which wound up killing a woman. If convicted, Brandy could serve up to a year in prison, and/or $1000 fine.

Holy shit, not one whole year for murder! Are you serious!? This miserable exscuse for a celebrity is facing only one year of time for murder. I have nothing else to say, I gotta stop thinking about this or my ears will start to bleed.

YOU SAY POTATO, I SAY HOLY SHIT KILL IT!

I was just browsing the People Magazine's website when I came across this picture of Bob Saggett and two shrews with looks that could frighten a full grown man into a fetal position. Can anyone not stare into their eyes without hearing the sounds of chains, whips lashing and the cries of unfortunate prisoners?

I remember a day when I was watching Full House thinking 'wow those girls are gonna be hot one day', but that day is certainly not this day. I don't know if it's the lighting that makes the Olsen twins look like Night Walkers, or they are just that fucking scary lookin.

YES, SHE DID IT AGAIN

Britney Spears (left) is pregnant again. News like that is equivalent to saying, "Hey I just farted". It's not much, but people gotta deal with it. Is it me, or did she just let herself go to complete shit. This girl used to be some of the hottest piece of ass I've ever seen, and now she's that washed up whore that sits at the end of the bar waiting for the dude that's been bet by his drunk buddies to "walk out with the fat chick".

Her recent interviews and actions caught on tape could be Springer material. It's just a crying shame that one of the most successful young American pop singer's life has crumbled, and what's left standing is a big ol' sack of hollowed crap. K-Fed and her split, but that's only because the two of them together was like watching an ex pornstar hump a retarded paraplegic midget...horrifying but you just can't look away!

KIRSTEN DUNST IS BREATH TAKING

Everyone please take a look at this wicked ghoul. This is Kirsten Dunst...the same girl from Spiderman. Now I understand everyone has their bad days and moments, but what I see in this picture is a window to hell.

NO ONE should think this girl is goodlooking. Check out those two tusks growing in place of her canines. She's a bad actress, but she still gets called back for parts. When I watch her in movies my penis runs and hides. Just the sight of her makes me angry because I can pick out 20 different ugly actresses that I can tolerate over this vampress; and one of em is Mo'nique.

THERE...

...this site has officially become porno graphic.

YOU'RE A TOOL IF... - CHAPTER 9

You're a Goddamn tool if you yell out "BALLIN'!" at a party....you know what I'm talking about. That new rap song that's got BALLIN'! screamed every fucking second while a bunch of turd-burglers rap about doin bitches, or shootin some "otha nigga" in the back, or whatever these idiots rap about. Country music is where it's at, amen.